On living

I usually am happy when people do what they want in life, especially if they are my friends. I support or cheer them in any way. But just recently, I noticed myself not “liking” a friends’ posts on his bike rides and another friends’ sunset pictures. Seeing their posts and how they are trying to enjoy life somehow attacked me. I felt like I was being left out. They were my teammates for two years and now we are living different lives. They seem to be enjoying their newfound hobbies and so I began to ask myself, “How about you, Jas? How is your life now? Are you doing what you love to do? Are you enjoying your life? What happened to your interests and passion?”

Earlier I was browsing Instagram and stumbled on a favorite vlogger’s feed. I love her and I admire how articulate she is and I am always in awe of her ideas and of the way she presents herself. But for the first time, I had a hard time looking at her pictures. She is so happy and bubbly and just being herself. Waaah, she reminds me of my past self!! That is how I have known myself for so long, but right now, I feel like I kinda lost Jassybabes. And so to bring back my old self, I decided I should write something about this feeling.

As I ponder, I realized that it is a challenge for me to be happy for other people’s happiness when I myself am feeling low. But at this moment, I forgive myself for feeling this way. Many unexpected things have happened these past weeks and we are still grieving the loss of my cousin. I found it difficult to sing or do some art or have long video calls with friends. And it is understandable. It was even harder to work and study. Of course, it would be.

But I guess I am now coming back. For the first time in a long while, I sang in the shower yesterday.

We are still sad and trying to go back to our normal lives, but I know it cannot really be “normal” again. What we got to do now is to live together each day and keep doing what makes us feel alive, and just cherish every memory that we have made together with and without my cousin. Hayyy, yeah, let us keep on living, beloveds.